My husband with Alzheimer’s is going to prison for porn!
Mother called me hysterical late Monday morning.
“Do you have time for me to tell you something terrible?” she shook.
I hate when Mother begins phone conversations like that. My senior year of college she left me a voicemail saying she and Timber would be late for their scheduled visit. “Something really really bad happened,” she explained. “Bye.”
Mother didn’t have a cell phone yet, so I paced around my dorm room sobbing, convinced my childhood cat Lily had died. When she and Timber arrived two hours later, I insisted red-faced, “We WILL give her a proper burial.”
“Who? WHAT?” Mother asked, deepening her delirium.
“Lily. You ran over her, didn’t you?”
“No. Lily’s fine!”
“Then why are you late?!”
“Timber backed down the driveway into Daddy’s truck. Bless her heart.”
Timber seethed in the door jamb, arms crossed. “Nothing happened to Daddy’s truck of course, but my bumper is ruined.”
“Oh that’s great!” I sighed. “Well, great that Lily isn’t dead at least. I’m sorry about your car.”
“Whatever,” Timber muttered.
So within seconds of Mother’s request to tell me something terrible, my mind wheeled with disastrous scenarios regarding my father. Someone had taken Daddy to a movie and dinner, finally giving Mother an afternoon to herself. I immediately assumed that Daddy became anxious and agitated without his wife or that Daddy’s movie companion lost him at the theater or that he committed suicide. My imagination brought me to neurotic tears.
“Suuure,” I answered with apprehension. What happened?”
“It’s HORRIBLE,” Mother sniffed.
“What?!”
“I got this email. Just let me read it to you:
You have been viewing or distributing prohibited pornographic content thus violating article 202 of the Criminal Code of the United States of America. Article 202 of the Criminal Code provides for a deprivation of liberty for four to 12 years.
Pursuant to the Criminal Code of the United States of America of May 28, 2011, this law infringement (if it is not repeated – first time) may be considered conditional in case you pay the fine to the State.
The fine is $500! I know your daddy looks at porn. He’s been looking at porn for YEARS even though I think it’s DISGUSTING. Can you believe this? My husband with Alzheimer’s is going to prison for porn!”
“Mother,” I finally cut her off. “That’s not real. Daddy isn’t going to prison for porn. Come on. Everybody looks at porn.”
“Then how do you explain this email?!”
“Scammers send emails like this all the time. Forward it to me.”
“I don’t have a forward button! I was trying to check my own email and THIS popped up!”
“It popped up? You mean it’s a pop-up?”
“I don’t know what a pop-up is. All I know is this message came up on the screen, and I can’t get it off.”
“Yeah… Mother. It’s a pop-up scam. Just X it off. It’s not real.”
“I can’t X it off. There’s no X!”
“Well then you probably have a virus.”
“We probably DO.”
“HAHAHAHA!”
“It’s not funny, Bobbin. It’s not funny at all.”
For more than a year Mother has served as her husband’s 24/7 caregiver. In many ways the man she married has become her child. On one particularly frustrating day Mother cried to me that she feels trapped. “I wish I could get away,” she pined. “Just for a few hours.”
Sadly yet hilariously, the Porno Prison Scare consumed Mother’s time on a rare day off. I hope she’ll be prepared to ignore computer scams in the future. I wonder if she would believe a pop-up message charging Daddy for distributing copyrighted photographs of Maine Coon cats or herself for excessive online shoe shopping. Those accusations would be a lot more believable.
Hot Dog Beehonkus 
I LOVE this, Bobbin. My dad, the smartest man I ever knew, had Alzheimer’s as well. He introduced me to nurses at the rest home as his daughter, Elevator. I feel for you–and I’m glad you have this outlet for your pain that brings laughter to others. Hang in there…
Thank you, Ms. Little! It must have been so painful to watch Alzheimer’s rob your father of his intelligence, personality and overall functioning. I am terrified of what lies ahead but am staying upbeat for the sake of my family and the Alzheimer’s community at large.
I just checked out your blog and had no idea that you completed an MFA and finished a SECOND novel manuscript. I will pay closer attention to your creative efforts and wish you the best in your writing.
Thank you for your support!
I had a friend with a Maine Coon cat obsession for a while there. I think it’s a common thing (right up there with porn). Thanks for sharing the laugh, Bobbin!
Bahahaha! Have you seen Avenue Q? There’s this hysterical song called “The Internet Is for Porn.” Anyway, thank YOU for the chuckle.
You forgot the zoofilia part! I think it’s even more funny when you consider the virus accused the user of viewing “zoofilia.” Mother clearly didn’t read the entire screen. These weren’t just ordinary pornographic acts, and she STILL believed it!
Ryan (my editor) thought it would be best for me to remove the specific gruesome words from my post. But yeah – zoofilia, etc. make the pop-up sound more outrageous and Mother’s freak-out all the more hilarious.