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But what if Alzheimer’s likes being fucked in the ass?

October 2, 2013

I came up with a personal slogan for this year’s Walk to End Alzheimer’s: “Fuck Alzheimer’s in the ass!” While inebriated at my family’s lake house, my sisters-in-law and I criss-crossed our arms into a tepee of sorts and screamed, “Fuck Alzheimer’s in the asssssss!”

“Bobbin,” Ryan glared at me from the other end of the dock, pointing at his parents. “Stop.”

“Whatever, Dad,” I slurred. “We care about the cause.”

When I shared my slogan with my friend Adam, whose grandmother suffers from Alzheimer’s, he grimaced.

“What, are you offended or something?” I asked, shocked by his prudishness.

“No, it’s just… what if Alzheimer’s likes being fucked in the ass?” Adam explained.

“Good point,” I squinted.

What are you up to this weekend? my friend Sean asked me last week on Gchat.

Bobbin: Fucking Alzheimer’s in the ass at the walk.

Sean: Don’t fuck Alzheimer’s up the ass. It probably likes it.

Bobbin: Alzheimer’s would be experimental like that. It fucks over everyone.

I sighed and resolved to use a new slogan next year.

alz1Despite my marketing failures, Team Hot Dog Beehonkus raised $1,116 to help put an end to this dreadful disease. Ryan as well as my mother and four of my in-laws walked with me in addition to making generous donations. We decided to leave my father at home, since he probably wouldn’t be able to handle a 3.1-mile jaunt around Atlantic Station.

The day before the event Daddy seemed strangely talkative and inquisitive on the phone.

“What else is happenin’?” he inquired several times after I discussed our cats, the house, and anything else new that came to mind. Timber also spoke with Daddy that day and mentioned his chattiness to Mother. For the first time in two years, he took interest in her career as a physician’s assistant and asked questions regarding her salary and health benefits.

I guess Daddy rose to the challenge of fucking Alzheimer’s in the ass, too. For a day he acted halfway like himself. However, his whole self would try to ground his 29-year-old daughter for using curse words.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Optimus Prime aka The Reverend Al Brown permalink
    October 31, 2013 3:03 pm

    LMAO. I did a similar thing wherein a bunch of us who lost our best friend to cancer a few years ago decided we were all gonna get FUCK CANCER in the ASS tattoos together. Luckily we were all broke. I’d still do it if I wasn’t in debt up to my eyeballs. Sigh. Great job on the fundraising.

    • November 6, 2013 2:55 pm

      I’m sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer is yet another disease that needs a swift fuck up the butt. My mother absolutely hated this post. According to my friend, though, if your parents hate your art, you’re doing something right.

      • Optimus Prime aka The Reverend Al Brown permalink
        November 7, 2013 1:15 pm

        True dat, Bobbin! Yeah, he wasn’t just a friend, either; a real brother. My best friend ever. We lived together for five years and only moved apart when I got a serious girlfriend (the kind with the “move in together” stage, which quickly became the “oh crap she’s knocked up and she’s a really bad person” stage). The loss still kills me three years later – and I’m still angry at cancer – but he was a phenomenal, kind, and gregarious person who lived a happy life šŸ™‚

  2. Timber permalink
    December 8, 2013 3:10 pm

    Yeah, yeah. I get it. You’re an artist. Still, it would be nice if you adopted a more benign slogan next year so maybe I could share your fundraiser page with my friends and possibly even coworkers…

    • December 8, 2013 8:53 pm

      Maybe I’ll come up with multiple slogans for multiple audiences! Seriously, I’d love to ram a broomstick up Alzheimer’s (or is it Alzheimer’s’?) figurative ass.

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